It’s time to take your cape off…

I see you, swirling your cape like the superhero you love to be…it’s a pretty cool look, and I KNOW it feels good. But it’s time to put it away. You can do it. Just back away from the cape….you’ve got this!

I feel you because I LOVE dressing up and channeling your favourite superhero IS cool!

(On a wee aside…who’s your fav? Me? I’m a She-ra gal…I mean c’mon…look at this gal rock!!😎💪🏼)

SO ….’It’s all good fun to PLAY at super heroes (yes even when you’re a grown up!) but are you playing the rescuer in real life too?

  • Do you watch out for people to help?
  • Do you run in and offer support at every opportunity?
  • Being supportive is a wonderful trait, but like anything it can be overplayed and when it is, it can be experienced as suffocating, patronising and disabling to the other people. And I bet that’s a million miles away from your intention.

Here’s the thing,

                      ALL meaningful change comes from within.

Think about it…you cut your skin and you might put a plaster over it…sometimes that plaster can be useful and sometimes not so much. Yet 100% of the healing of your skin came from you and NONE from the plaster.

 You didn’t need the plaster for your skin to mend. In fact, depending on the depth & type of cut, it healed faster with absolutely no intervention. A plaster is often just a visual reminder to take care of yourself as your body heals.

And fess up, when you see someone with a plaster you’re curious, right?  A little bit of you wonders what lies beneath…what happened. And…are they…ok? 

 ‘My what a big plaster you have’..as your salacious rescuer juices begin to flow… 

 I love the metaphor of the birth. When a butterfly is ready to come into the world it struggles to chew through the threads of its’ cocoon. Well meaning people can see this struggle and feel they ‘should help’, and cut a larger hole for the butterfly to escape with greater ease. Yet without the struggle of the squeeze the butterflies wings don’t grow strong and ultimately is unable to fly.

 Much like human birth, it’s a struggle for both mum & baby yet that struggle is needed for the baby to clear it’s lungs and the mum to heal and trigger the next stage of parenthood.

 Struggle is part of life, yet we struggle seeing other people struggle…and so we put our capes on, ‘to help’.

 Learned helplessness has also been associated with several different psychological disorders. Depression, anxiety, phobias, shyness, and loneliness can all be exacerbated by learned helplessness….

So, I wonder how taking your cape off could help you and the people around you thrive from the inside out?

 

 

 

 

 

Be the human you want your child to be

“You do not have to make your children into wonderful people. You just have to remind them that they ARE wonderful people. If you do this consistently from the day they are born they will believe this easily.” William Martin

It’s easy to lose touch with the fact that our kids are innately wonderful…they don’t need fixed or changed, they need understood and accepted, and maybe a wee bit of shining up here and there as they forget the awesomeness of who they really are and learn to lead their lives with love 😎

Yet this is what we ALL need!! YOU are wonderful, you’ve just lost touch with that gorgeous fact.

If you have children in your life I invite you to stop focusing entirely on them (not in a neglectful way just taking the foot off the pedal slightly!) and start focusing on yourself.

YOU are your children’s role model (and the range of young people in your life) ‘Do as I say not as I do’ doesn’t work!!! Kids are savvy, they KNOW when you are lying to them AND yourself.
They pick up on your dissatisfaction, your lack of self belief and your flagging energy.

So DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

You creating the life and work YOU want IS NOT SELFISH….in fact it’s the absolute opposite as you living a fulfilling live you love teaches your children how to do the same. It teaches them that they have permission to be the wonderful soul they are.

So this is a polite reminder that YOU are wonderful so get a grip of yourself and start shining…if not for yourself to begin with, for the young people around you ❤️

Have you ever felt disappointed in your child?

Have you ever felt disappointed in your child?


My son doesn’t want to go to uni.  He doesn’t love learning.  He doesn’t seem to apply himself to life in the way that I would so love him to.

I’m disappointed, and I’ve told him so.

But, I’m NOT disappointed in HIM, far from it, 100% of my disappointment comes from me and the mismatch between the son I had created in my imagination and the son I have before me.

AND ONLY ONE OF THEM IS REAL.

Here’s the thing, from the moment we become human we are creating scenarios in our minds about what could and what should be.

From the moment we become parents we start dreaming of the family life we want to have, of what we want for our children and how they might ‘turn out’. And we buy into these dreams. We invest in them!

Yet the contrast between what we want and what we are actually experiencing can be pretty stark….but there’s gold in there when we look.

Every contrast holds an invitation to remember what’s truly important to us and while we may be laser focused on what we DON’T want, there’s also a huge arrow pointing to what we DO want…which gives us power to do something about it.

Pain is inevitable…suffering isn’t.

Accept the pain when it comes, but we don’t need to hang out there in every moment. Instead, we can choose to take out power back and change what’s not working for us.

There’s truth is the saying ‘If you always do what you’ve always done, you will always get what you’ve always got’ 

You may feel that you have no choice. It may seem like the ONLY way you’ll feel ok again is if your child changes their ways.

If only….

 

But YOU have the power, YOU have a choice, we ALL do. Sometimes the alternatives may seem that they aren’t worth considering as they seem soooo difficult or wrong, but these are still options, they are simply ones you’re choosing to say no to.

The thing is to know that it’s not that person, your child, who is the disappointment.

YOU are FEELING disappointed about the contrast and disconnection between their actions in reality and the story you had created in your mind of what you wanted them to do and be. 

Your child/young person/human needs to know that your love for them isn’t conditional on them choosing behaviours that support the picture that YOU have created in YOUR head of them.

That’s YOUR story, not theirs.

They are creators too so let them create their own story and live that…and learn from the consequences of their own actions.

 

You don’t need to accept their behaviour, or approve of their choices but if you want them to become the very best human they can become then simple see, love and accept the human before you.

Teach them to trust themselves and own their own power, not to second guess what they ‘should’ be doing to be accepted and loved.

The disappointment you feel simply reflects this contrast within you, so stop getting angry and frustrated with them and look within instead.

What’s important to YOU?

What is it that YOU want that you’re deferring responsibility to your child to create or be? 

What does your child’s choices and behaviours get for YOU?

What do you need to let go of to really see the essence of them? 

Stop looking for evidence of how your child doesn’t meet YOUR needs and start looking at THEM.  Be curious, as if they are a new person in front of you and get to know them as a human rather than your child.

Of course you’re still the mammy or the daddy or whatever role you play and you have an amazing opportunity to influence them…and you ARE influencing them whether deliberately or positively or not; so get clear about the influence you want to have, the impact you want to have on them and then BE that.

‘Don’t do what I say, do what I do’ isn’t enough. 

Kids can see right through words and actions and deep into our what we truly believe about ourselves and them. 

Our young people are watching and learning from our every action so being YOUR best will encourage them to be THEIR best. Look within. The easiest way for your child to love themselves is to for you to love yourself. Lead with love and compassion. Shine. Make your own story so compelling that they want to be a part of it.

The son I have before me is pure gold and I love him with my heart and soul…and accept him for who he IS and I’ll continue to support him make good choices and be a good human. For him to lead with love. 

I have made so many mistakes along the way and I will continue to do so, and I own every one of them.  Yes, I’ve felt disappointed and I’ve told him so….I’ve told him about the story I created in my head, the person I made him into and what I’d love him to do and I’ve asked him to share with me the story HE is creating for HIS life and who he wants to be.  

He doesn’t know yet, he’s not clear, he looks at me like it’s motivational mum time…again. I felt another twinge of disappointment that my first born doesn’t get nor care for his conscious creation (he’s 17 so feel free to laugh at my ridiculously high expectations!) So yes, I have felt disappointed in my child, that he isn’t living the life I had created in my imagination but oh my goodness how excited I am to discover the life is HE is creating in his.

Have you felt disappointed in your child? I’d love to hear your experiences and thoughts in the comments below.